Can’t always get what you want…

I have might have said this before, and definitely alluded to it, but I feel like organizing my thought coherently and then I’ll leave this subject alone.

Part of me feels that I am being very selfish in wanting to have the freedom and experiences that I desire. After all, isn’t what am I doing part of life. Get older, get responsible for yourself and your family. Am I just trying to cop-out on what I have bought in for?

Over the past year I knew quite a few people that got married or announced an engagement, and I genuinely did not feel happy for them. In fact, it took all I could take not to issue my sarcastic warnings. Now as I am trying to figure out exactly what I want and have begun talking to others I am starting to see somethings.

When I first had kids, I know I did not enjoy those early years as much as other parents. Don’t get me wrong, I love them dearly and would not trade them for anything, then or now. But there was part of me that I am sure resented the fact that I was so tied down. I guess you can call it restless energy, but I was to naive or young to know what it was. It is probably better off that I didn’t as I might not have had more than one, and even though you can’t miss what you never had, each of my kids has a special place in my life. No matter how much I yell at them

Now I am understanding why some of the people are happily getting married and having kids. They are at a different point in there life when they are ready to live that kind of life. Yes, this is perfectly obvious to most people, but for me, and my round-a-bout way of getting here, it is all part of a very strange learning curve.

In fact, the one thing that always drove me crazy was hearing about celebrities, all men by the way, who are their second (or third) marriages with a young child, telling everyone how great it is to be a husband and dad as if no one had every done it before. Ignoring the fact, that they had left a wife and kids and had gone through all this before only to dump them on the road to stardom.

I am not saying that that is the course I am trying to take. That I will go wild for a few years and then settle down and start over. The three kids I have will be the only ones I have. And who knows, by the time I am ready to move on, I may have gotten over this and might not want to move on.

The counterpoint to thinking I am being selfish on this whole matter, is that if I really was, I would have been gone already. But I know I cannot do that to my kids or Katie at this point. If that day ever does come it will hard enough, as it is not as though I am trapped in a nightmare waiting to get up. I am just waiting for the next stage of my life to begin.

 

Transforming…again

Listening to the radio the other day, Don Imus was interviewing Barbara Walters about a book she wrote. I think thats what they were talking about, as I came in near the end, and I think it was a replay. Anyway, they were talking about her marriages, three of them apparently, and she came out with, “I can’t say any of them were the Love of my Life”. And I was like wow!

The wow wasn’t because Babs was married three times, but because I wasn’t alone and someone, who I would think could be especially picky in who she married, felt the same way and ended up in the same situation, three times!

While chatting to someone recently, who also married very young, she reiterated something that I thought I believed when I was younger but apparently disregarded when I decided to get married. That is that people are always evolving and changing and how can you know what you want for the last 75% of your life when you only lived 25% of it. And for the majority of that 25%, the opposite sex has cooties. She also thought that most people end up marrying the wrong people. I am not so sure it is that, but I do think it is rare, if not impossible, for feelings not to change over twenty years.

Life is always shaping us, and even when we are adults, we are constantly changing. Some people find what they are looking for early and it lasts, but for the rest of us, I am not sure it is so easy.

Little of topic there, as that is not what I wanted to write tonight.

My whole life right now has been defined by me being afraid of losing what I had, mainly in terms of relationships. Over the past few weeks, as I try to talk to others, as I go through this unknown mess with Sarah, I am learning…finally.

I realize now that if one gets away (in this case Sarah) I will recover and life goes on, and there will be other options. Probably my place in life helps now. I am not changing my life anytime soon, but the time will come, and if I end up rushing into the first thing that comes along and am afraid to lose it, how will that be any better than were I am now?

That doesn’t mean I want a series of affairs, but I need to not be afraid of what comes next if something isn’t right. I hate to use the word settle, because it isn’t fair, at least in my case, to Katie, but that is what I did.

So now the transformation begins, but yet it can’t. This time, not because I am not ready, but because I can’t hurt the innocent bystanders in this, which are my kids. So I still live and learn and hope to come out ok on the other side, one day.

 

Reviewing

I went back and re-read my first post on Sarah. Even I think I am a bit of an idiot.

I was going to edit it, but I think it is a good reminder for the next time I think I feel a certain way, I will re-read that and then decide how I feel.

Then again, doesn’t everyone love that magical feeling when you first start seeing someone? I am not saying that is what I feel, or felt with Sarah, but maybe that is what I miss. Even so, at 20, when I met Katie, I don’t think I had that feeling outside of the wanting sex part, which, I admit now, was a big factor in pursuing the relationship initially, but memory is a funny thing. Or did I just forget it, and anyone who is together for a long period lose that? Is that life?

Now I just want something more.

At times when writing these I think I am being ungrateful. I have a somewhat good thing, but I want more. Some people are truly miserable in their marriage, and will stay together for the kids or whatever reason. So am I being petty in wanting more out of life and love? How many people get married and keep at least part of that feeling of just being happy you are with who are you with?

Is it day to day life that is not letting be as happy as I should be, or is there truly something missing? I want to be able to look into someone eyes and know that I couldn’t get through the day without them.

I think I wrote a lot of this before so I will stop my whining and longing now.

I still need to write about two women who affected me, one of which could have changed my life, but I guess thought it was better that she didn’t.

More to follow.

 

It must be tatooed on my forhead!

I really am starting to get a complex here. I have lived in the northeast my whole life, I do not consider myself that naive. I am not someone who fell of the turnip truck. (No offense to any turnip farmers who may be reading this). But come on now. What about me screams ’sucker’? How come I always see to be the one trying to be had?

I started using one of the meet up sites to try and find some like minded women out there. To talk to someone who needs something outside of normal married life if nothing else.

So on the first day, I actually start chatting with what appears to be a 30 year old woman in Houston. This is her side of the conversation.

there is something i will like you to know I am presently stuck in an hotel in Nigeria

I have been here now for 3 months the hotel management here will not let go of me because i am owning some bills

Need help on getting out of here now

[My ex] told me he wanted me to come and meet once of his uncle here in Nigeria about Our wedding plans

on getting here two days after i saw him on the TV with his so called Uncle that the police are after them that they were into Drugs Since then i have not set my eyes on him

He left me here and ran away without looking back now i am sucked here in the hotel and the hotel management will not let go of me without paying the bills i am owning since i have been staying here and they also seized my passport so i won’t ran away

I am so confused here myself ,i don’t know what to do i felt like killing myself and leave this so called world i am in .why should i be going trough such pains in my life

She never came out and directly asked for any money, but after that last line I knew it was coming, so I checked online, and sure enough this has been an email scam and now apparently they are hitting these sites. So I found that it is impossible for that to happen and instructions on how to go to the embassy, etc. Nothing.

Also asked for the name of the hotel and the name she was registered under, twice. Nothing

Feels like I just can win some days.

 

Stop the world…

You’ll notice that I love playing on movie or song titles for the posting titles, must have been overloaded on TV and Radio growing up.

Anyway, it has been a strange couple of days. I did finally meet Sarah on neutral ground. I had a fun time, but it fell apart in the end as she wants “to be spoiled” in her words. Something I am not in a position to do. The logical me knows this is a dead end road and no good will come out of keeping talking to or seeing her, but there is still the naive and hopeful part of me that wants to see past the obvious faults. We’ll see what happens next. She didn’t get all she wanted out of me, so we’ll she if she contacts me again. I am guessing it is done, and I am probably better off.

The rest of the question is “Now What?”

The answer is, who knows? Which is probably the main reason I am writing this. No, I am not expecting someone to answer, although that would be a pleasant miracle. I just need to vent, and put my random thoughts into words so maybe I can make sense out of them.

It has been suggested, by the one person I know reads this, that I speak with Katie about my unhappiness. Which would be fair, but I can’t see to what end that would lead. What happens next, besides she being distraught/angry/sad?

1. Go back to pretending everything is fine, but now she is acting too, while now it is just me.
2. She says leave. Ok, doubt that would happen, but I guess it is a possibility. One that I can’t afford, neither financially or the emotional distress it would cause on the kids.
3. Go to counseling, either alone or as a couple. Maybe. Either I learn to deal with what I have, or we both go to make changes to make me/us happy. Either way, I feel it is just masking the bigger problem.
4. Come up with a longer term plan to leave where we are living. Well, that is fine, but that doesn’t help me completely.

The last two options make the most sense to the rational person, but I do have a problem with that. As I stated before, I never got to ‘blow it out’, as I quoted from Mr Bing, in my twenties. And I just don’t mean going through women and fooling around a lot, although it would have been nice, I think. I mean just being on my own and doing things without the weight of my responsibilities. I know that time has passed, and it will never be the same, but I have to try.

Who knows, I may end up miserable after trying that, and realize how good I had it, but it is something I have to do. Otherwise, I will just end up questioning it for another 20 years.

I know I had some more thoughts, but I am having trouble keeping my eyes open and completing coherent sentences as you may have noticed. I will try again tomorrow.

 

Regrets…I have a few.

Let me try and wrap up the history before getting back to the present.

First, let me say that I am not in a loveless marriage. I do love Katie, but I also know I need my happiness to come first at some point. It won’t be today, but some day I will need to go out and do something on my own and search for whatever it is I am looking for. Who knows, when that day comes, I could crash and burn and find that it was a mistake to leave and that I am miserable on my own, but if I don’t find out, I will always question it. I like the saying “don’t regret the things you did, just the things you didn’t do”

Speaking of regrets, I have been saying there where two woman who could have changed my life much earlier. Well, sadly I almost forgot about the third, and that is something that I regret big time, and if I ever find her again, I will bet anything she agrees.

I went to school not far from home and came back frequently to hang with my group of friends. I don’t remember when or how, but at some point we picked up Laura into our group. She was someone that I always could talk to, and we always seemed to be in agreement on things. We just clicked. The problem, for the 3 years or so that we ran in the same circle of friends one or both of us were in a relationship with someone else. This ended when I moved away from the group and eventually lost touch. I believe Laura moved away as well.

The sad part of all this, is everyone else in the group seemed to know that we belonged together. Since we all worked at the same company for the summer, we even what you could call a surrogate mother that we all talked to. She knew as well we belonged together.

The last time I saw Laura was at a birthday party for one in the group. Katie didn’t attend, and I honestly can’t remember if Laura was still seeing the idiot that she was dating at the time. It was one of those things in life you thought would always be there. I thought there would always be another chance for us to get together and find out if we really were made for each other. That final chance never came.

Yes, if we did get together, and it worked out, I could be in the same mess I am now, married early, etc, etc, or we could have found out that we could never have made it past friends. Either way I will never know, and yes I regret not saying something back then and even worse, losing touch.

As part of this exercise I am trying to track down some of old friends for some kind of reunion. And who knows, maybe somebody knows where Laura is.

So I still didn’t get to the other two, but I have an early day tomorrow and an encounter with Sarah, on neutral ground, so to speak. I am guessing the fantasy will end on the Sarah front, but I need to appease the part of me that is scared of never finding anyone else. At least I won’t regret not finding out if there is anything behind the curtain.

 

The breaking point

So finally picking up the back story, at least for today.

So three kids and mortgage, comfortable job, making some money, making some friends in the town I am living. All is good. Well, all good things as the saying goes.

For whatever reason, the little town we are in is no longer good enough. We did look at the school districts when buying this house, but apparently they wont do anymore. So the house hunt begins. Once again, I feel like an outsider in this whole processes. Her family is involved again, and I am along for the ride.

Eventually they find a house. I am more involved in the search this time around, but again, we are shopping above our price range. This time it is her grandmother is offering the additional money to make up the difference.

Eventually a house is found that everyone seems to like, but again, I am not thrilled with it, as it is missing some things I would like to have. Sadly, once again I am bullied, for lack of a better word, into agreeing to this purchase. Mainly because we would only get the extra money if we go to this house. So we move.

I eventually change jobs, which is good overall, and in hindsight, a great blessing, as we would have never been able to afford the house if I didn’t get the bump in salary needed.

So things slowly get back to normal, but now I am still just ahead on the money curve. This is one thing that always seems to come back to me and my happiness and lack thereof. In the almost 20 years since I graduated college I have never been able to get comfortable where I felt I was saving enough for retirement, college or just a good vacation. I know part of it is my spending habits, but when your fixed costs consume almost all of your income, it is not easy to get ahead.

I eluded earlier of a couple of interesting episodes that should of clued me into my mindset and what I was lacking in life, but the turning point moment came about 18 months ago.

I took my first overseas trip and met Pamela. It was all physical, and the first time I was unfaithful. It was a whirlwind and something I thought I could handle, boy was I wrong. We got together on the Wednesday night of my trip and I was supposed to leave on that Saturday morning. However, without any deliberate attempts on my part, my trip was extended to the next Tuesday. I now had a weekend in a foreign city with nothing to do except hang with my new found friend. This is where things changed.

I experienced life on my own and fun that I never knew I was missing. Yes, I traveled before and was on my own, but something very different happened this time. Of course the sex was different, but just experiencing something, and someone, new changed me in a way that I knew I could never come back from. I knew I could not change my life then and there, as I could not do that to my kids, but the tought of going back to ‘normal’ life made me nauseous.

When I finally made it home, I remember seeing the ground as my flight approached and just having such disdain for what I was returning to.

When I spoke to the one person I have confided in about this, I spoke overly much about Pamela and that I wanted to be with her, probably because she was the catalyst for the change more than any feelings I thought I had for her. Even when I thought I had those feelings, I knew deep down that she was not ‘the one’. At that time, I didn’t think ‘the one’ existed, and that a life of being single sounded very good.

Those feelings did eventually subside, but I was still in such a deep dark place that Katie did notice. In one way I actually wanted her to find out, but I could not bring myself to say anything. It was a very troubling couple of months and she knew I was in a bad place, which I eventually worked myself out of (see the pool in ‘Thoughts at the crossroads’).

I did eventually go back and see Pamela as we had kept in contact over the past year. I ended it before I left this time. She did have feelings for me but she also was being a little unreasonable in other areas, so it was time to get out. Maybe my days of being Mr. Nice Guy are finally over.

Seeing all this in hindsight now makes other things a little bit clearer, including the two other women who could of change my world much earlier in life, but somehow didn’t. Will be back soon with that story.

 

Thoughts at the crossroads

I know I said I will continue to the back story, but had some thoughts today as I got some space from the distraction of Sarah.

First I realized women, or at least the though of meeting someone new and finding that magical relationship is almost like an addiction, at least for me. I had the same clarity today I get after spending time gambling, and then finally walk away. When I am in a casino, I get caught up in it, and lose most capacity for rational thought until I finally pull myself away, or run out of money. I realize women have the same affect on me. Once I find someone who I want to get to know, it consumes me, and I need more and can’t shake the feeling. Is there a support group for this?

The other thing that was going through my mind is a little more thought provoking. As I was working around the house today, I realized that I do find enjoyment in it, and then thought if I were to ever drastically change anything there is a lot I would probably lose. The nice house, the big screen TV, the pool and the other things that I have worked for and enjoy. But then I tried to extend that thinking. Yes those things give me pleasure, but would I trade them to find a different kind of happiness.

So the debate started in my head. While these material things make my days pleasant, is it just masking over other shortcomings? If I was spending my life with a ’soulmate’, if such a thing exists, would I care about these things as much, or would I just be happy looking into her eyes every day. Like the say, “money can’t buy happiness”, but maybe it does keeps away misery, at least in the short term. Or, is this it? Does every relationship eventually become routine and we accumulate and do other things to keep us going each day?

Last year, when I was as close to being in a depression as I have every come, I ended up putting in a pool. It was a major project that both distracted and gave me something I never had as I kid and always wanted. It was probably not the most financially practical decision I have ever made either. It did pull me out of my funk and now that it is getting warm out, does relax my mind, but again, is it just a distraction or is this all the happiness we get?

I still dream of having very few attachments and living a much simpler life. That doesn’t mean giving up my kids or contact with my family, but just being with myself and perhaps someone else. I like to think that I would be happier that way, but for as good as it sounds, does that get old also?

Last year when I first started having these realizations I thought I would never be able to commit to a single person ever again. It just wasn’t worth it. Now, with no one in particular in mind, not even Sarah, I realize that I may be able to. If it is really possible to love someone that much that you are just happy being with them, without all physical accumulations, then maybe I would commit again.

The devil’s advocate in me poses this question though: Am I just experiencing real life, and that this is all there is? Life happens and real world crap intervenes and I should suck it up and deal. I could almost buy this, but one thing constantly gnaws at me. I did not have those early adult years of freedom and adventure, so is it just unfulfilled desires that have been festering for 15 years trying to get out, or did I just settle into a typical American life because that was what was expected of me? Or if I do change my life at some point, do I eventually come full circle because this IS what life is?

I realized that to anyone reading this looking for advice or answers, I have posed a lot more questions then answers. So with that I will leave you with a passage from Stanley Bing that I keep going back to and may help:

Here’s my view. God created youth for people to do what they wanted to do. When you get a little bit older, life closes in on you and, caught in a variety of strictures produced by our ambitions, desires and needs, we each take on responsibilities that require us to do a bunch of stuff we don’t wanna. By so doing, we get cars and kids and spouses and computer hardware (AAPL). But if we don’t blow it out for the first five or six years of our tenure as adults, we never get those years back, we crave them later, and we end up stupid and crazy, trying to grab back the amorphous dreams and feeling of freedom that we possessed all too briefly when we were 22.

 

Stupid is as Stupid does

The question is, if you know you are about to do something stupid and come to terms with it before hand, does that make it any less stupid?

Looking back over the past 2 weeks and my adventures with Sarah, outside of the first, alcohol aided night, I have been very aware of my actions, even if they aren’t the smartest ones I ever made.

I had a talk with the one person who I can tell all this to, and he pointed out all the faults in logic, dumb actions, etc that I have done, and I agreed. I said if the situation was reversed, I would be saying the same thing he was telling me. So does that make what I have done any less stupid. I don’t think so.

When we were younger it is easy to chalk episodes like this up to life lessons. Now there is no excuse. I think part of me wants to believe so badly in the good in someone, or in the one in a million shot of things being not what the appear to be, I rationalize away my actions. I also think my self-confidence is so low in these areas, that I feel like I won’t find whatever it is I am looking for, so I let Sarah bring me along in the hopes that conventional wisdom is wrong.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any illusions, that Sarah is ‘the one’ that will answer everything I am looking for. Sometimes I just like keeping the rose-colored glasses on a little bit longer. I think a lot of questions will be answered next week when we are supposed to have our ‘date’ on neutral ground. Even I am betting against that ever happening.

Of course, if anyone is reading these posts yet, I am getting ahead of myself as I need to fill in some years in the back story, so I am sure there are a few questions surrounding my situations and personality. Gonna try and go fill that in over the next couple of days before the next chapter in the Sarah saga takes place.

 

Sarah Smile

I really need to write this one, but I know how bad it will sound out loud. It also is a little embarrassing to admit where and how I met Sarah, the person of interest in this post. Not because of what she does, but because of the way I would be looked at. The words desperate and pathetic come to mind, but in some regards I am both of those.

Two weeks ago, a buddy and mine, after a long, bad week headed out for beers. For some reason instead of our usual haunt, we head to a “gentleman’s club” near by. I rarely visit these places and usually haven’t had much interest in them since my very early twenties, but for some reason it seemed to fit the day and week. It was one of the more up-scale ones (read more expensive) around.

After about 90 minutes and a few beers my buddy was having fun with one of the girls and I was ready to head out. This is when I met Sarah. Now I know they put on an act and just because I am not a frequent visitor to these places, does not mean I am naive about them. We talked for a bit and for some reason paid for some entertainment. Now this is were it gets weird. We talked a bit more, and I was staying a lot later than I had intended, which is of course her job to keep me there, but when I left we traded cell numbers.

I know she wants repeat business, but from what I knew, these girls really don’t want to socialize with the patrons outside of the clubs, much less give out personal info. I was very shocked that I actually left with her number. I had never even done that in a regular bar. I was more amazed when she actually responded to my text message that night and the next week.

There was something about this one, some connection that I never felt with anyone. But how can I trust this feel considering the way, and where we met. I do realize they are real people too, but they are there earning a living and I am there to be entertained. Yet somehow I though we were connecting.

Of course she wanted me to come back and I wanted to meet her outside of the club as it cost me a small fortune the first time. Now every warning bell in my head is going off telling me this is a bad idea and that she is just playing me for more cash, but like a moth to the flame I returned. Yes, I spent more money, but we spent some more time talking. I don’t think she trusted me fully yet, that I wasn’t a crazy stalker type. I knew I was feeling something, and I am pretty sure she was too. But again, was it just an act?

The strange part (ok there are many strange parts) about this whole ordeal is that I am not thinking of her in the physical sense. All I do is keep thinking about Sarah the person. Now considering the way we started and what we weren’t allowed to do, I find it very strange that my mind isn’t on ‘closing the deal’. All I think about is spending time with her.

The major thing that I like about Sarah, and is a major attraction is her confidence and how it shows. You can say girls in these clubs need to have it, but it stands out in a different way with her. I think this is where she differs from the few other girls I dated and have been with. Now I haven’t had many relationships, but all the other were needy to an extent, so this independent attitude is something I have never come across. Again, yes, I could still be being played for a cash machine, and even though I should be past the point in my life of learning lessons like this, I decided it was worth the risk.

We spend the rest of the week texting and getting to know each other and actually set a day to meet the next week for dinner. Even though we had a date set, I wanted to see her again before this past weekend. So I stopped by for a quick beer. When I had to go is when I felt I had been taken for a chump. She wanted a ‘tip’ for the time she had taken out of work to talk to me since we didn’t do anything extra-circular. We didn’t leave on good terms, but I figured I saved some cash, not to mention some self-esteem.

Anyway for the weekend and Monday, it’s radio silence. I feel bad at first, but convince myself I am better off. I do feel a little sad at not getting to know the person I though she was. If I picked top qualities about a woman I wanted to meet, Sarah had them, or at least I thought she did.

So as I start back on the path to normalcy and get back to a normal week, my phone goes off today, and she wants to see me. “Of course she does”, I think to myself, “the money train stopped and she wants to get it going again”. We exchange messages for a while and for some reason, I decide to see her. The main reason I wanted to was to vet and tell her that I was sorry for thinking there was something between us other than business transactions and leave on my own terms.

Well, that didn’t work out too well. She admitted she didn’t treat me fairly and we talked a while. I was also called on for being a little too needy, which I was in some emails. Again, mostly because I am not used to this type of woman and when I didn’t hear from her, it was a shock to me, as I would always hear back quickly from all my past dealings with women.

After talking for a while, I could see in her eyes that something is happening here. We will see each other next week, outside of her work, and I said this was my last trip there, as it still costs me, even without the activities.

I admit that I could still be the sucker in all this. All I know is that I smile when I think about her and something is awakening in me that I don’t think I have ever felt. If I am being played, then she deserves something for the incredible acting job she is doing and I guess you are never old to learn new lessons.